I'm Just Sad

So I like this girl. She's amazing, funny, open, honest, smart, and just pretty much a blast to be around. I had told a couple of people that I like her, and they were all like, "Just ask her out! The worst thing she can say is No!" So I said, alright, I will, so I started a conversation with and then I just came out and asked her on a date. She said that she values me as a friend, and she's not really dating right now. So that's the end of that, I suppose. I don't blame her, honestly, she's way out of my league anyways. I guess, I don't know, I tried having hope and I just really should have left it alone. I guess I'm just going to have to work through the awkwardness that I just created.

The Last Few Days

So, it started when my brother messaged me on Facebook. He told me to come to Thanksgiving as a girl, and don't expect anyone to call me by my boy name or use male pronouns. Mostly because he just wants to have a drama free holiday. Which is fine, but at the time I was pretty sure No one was going to cause drama anyways, I was obviously going to be polite about it.

And then he told me that he and my Mom don't believe that I am transgender, they think I'm just a follower and I do what people around me do.

So I tried talking to my mother, who I had thought was being supportive. I told her I had had these feelings for years, she said, "Bullshit," and there is Nothing I can do to convince her otherwise. She said that I can't come to Thanksgiving because Tristan is not allowed in her house. She all but disowned me, told me she would never accept me. She even threatened to have me committed before she would let me change my gender marker. Things just went downhill from there.

Tonight I sent her a message basically telling her that I love her and need her in my life, but I also need to be myself. I am finally happy now that I know who I am and understand Why I've been having all these feelings. Hopefully she will read it and understand, but probably not. I suppose, though, that it was worth a shot. I asked her to please, please try to believe me and understand. We'll see what happens.

In the end I have realized that my family's love is conditional, Which is really hard to accept, but I may have to, you know? I have a new "family" of amazing friends anyways, so I have a great support network. It's pretty Awesome, to say the least. I just hope that someday my blood relatives will come to accept me.

Thank you all for caring enough to read my Rantings, really.

Sad News

So, tonight has been...well, pretty awful. First, I had to do girl for hours and that was awkward. Then I got in a discussion with my boyfriend about his inability to handle emotions that led to us breaking up. Basically, he just can't really understand my emotions and never knows what to say about anything, and for me, especially now, I either really need someone who can empathize with me or I need to be alone, at least romantically. We are going to stay friends, and honestly we will probably continue living together, at least for now. It's easier and probably better for both of us right now. But, it is still really hard, and I feel really alone in all of this. Not more so than I already did, I suppose, it's just that now it's an official thing. I don't know what the next step from here is, honestly.

Some Days

I still have to girl mode sometimes, to make people more comfortable...it's annoying but I guess it's not the end of the world. I suppose I'm at least a little pretty.

Coming Out Update

So, I came out to everyone in a post on Facebook. I feel like there really is no "good" time to do it, but it just felt like the "right" time, and I feel like that was more important. For the most part, everyone has been really supportive. Everyone who bothered to comment, at least. I don't really know about anyone who didn't comment. The only thing even slightly off that anyone said was my aunt, who is a lesbian, just told me that life was hard for her and was going to be much harder for me, and asked to make sure I had done my research. Also my brother said that it was going to take him a while to get used to calling me "bro" instead of "sis," so that's a step in the right direction. So far, honestly, I feel like my coming out could not have gone any better, and I am so lucky and grateful that it did go so well. There are many people who are not so lucky, and I wish that I could take some of the burden off of those people. But, hopefully what I can do is encourage them. Even if it hadn't gone well, I know that the steps I'm taking are the right ones for me.

Anyways, thanks for reading guys. :)