Something I Found

This picture pretty perfectly explains a lot of why I haven't been posting much lately. Sorry guys, I'm sure I'll have a lot to post over the next two weeks.

I'm Just Sad

So I like this girl. She's amazing, funny, open, honest, smart, and just pretty much a blast to be around. I had told a couple of people that I like her, and they were all like, "Just ask her out! The worst thing she can say is No!" So I said, alright, I will, so I started a conversation with and then I just came out and asked her on a date. She said that she values me as a friend, and she's not really dating right now. So that's the end of that, I suppose. I don't blame her, honestly, she's way out of my league anyways. I guess, I don't know, I tried having hope and I just really should have left it alone. I guess I'm just going to have to work through the awkwardness that I just created.

The Last Few Days

So, it started when my brother messaged me on Facebook. He told me to come to Thanksgiving as a girl, and don't expect anyone to call me by my boy name or use male pronouns. Mostly because he just wants to have a drama free holiday. Which is fine, but at the time I was pretty sure No one was going to cause drama anyways, I was obviously going to be polite about it.

And then he told me that he and my Mom don't believe that I am transgender, they think I'm just a follower and I do what people around me do.

So I tried talking to my mother, who I had thought was being supportive. I told her I had had these feelings for years, she said, "Bullshit," and there is Nothing I can do to convince her otherwise. She said that I can't come to Thanksgiving because Tristan is not allowed in her house. She all but disowned me, told me she would never accept me. She even threatened to have me committed before she would let me change my gender marker. Things just went downhill from there.

Tonight I sent her a message basically telling her that I love her and need her in my life, but I also need to be myself. I am finally happy now that I know who I am and understand Why I've been having all these feelings. Hopefully she will read it and understand, but probably not. I suppose, though, that it was worth a shot. I asked her to please, please try to believe me and understand. We'll see what happens.

In the end I have realized that my family's love is conditional, Which is really hard to accept, but I may have to, you know? I have a new "family" of amazing friends anyways, so I have a great support network. It's pretty Awesome, to say the least. I just hope that someday my blood relatives will come to accept me.

Thank you all for caring enough to read my Rantings, really.

Sad News

So, tonight has been...well, pretty awful. First, I had to do girl for hours and that was awkward. Then I got in a discussion with my boyfriend about his inability to handle emotions that led to us breaking up. Basically, he just can't really understand my emotions and never knows what to say about anything, and for me, especially now, I either really need someone who can empathize with me or I need to be alone, at least romantically. We are going to stay friends, and honestly we will probably continue living together, at least for now. It's easier and probably better for both of us right now. But, it is still really hard, and I feel really alone in all of this. Not more so than I already did, I suppose, it's just that now it's an official thing. I don't know what the next step from here is, honestly.

Some Days

I still have to girl mode sometimes, to make people more comfortable...it's annoying but I guess it's not the end of the world. I suppose I'm at least a little pretty.

Coming Out Update

So, I came out to everyone in a post on Facebook. I feel like there really is no "good" time to do it, but it just felt like the "right" time, and I feel like that was more important. For the most part, everyone has been really supportive. Everyone who bothered to comment, at least. I don't really know about anyone who didn't comment. The only thing even slightly off that anyone said was my aunt, who is a lesbian, just told me that life was hard for her and was going to be much harder for me, and asked to make sure I had done my research. Also my brother said that it was going to take him a while to get used to calling me "bro" instead of "sis," so that's a step in the right direction. So far, honestly, I feel like my coming out could not have gone any better, and I am so lucky and grateful that it did go so well. There are many people who are not so lucky, and I wish that I could take some of the burden off of those people. But, hopefully what I can do is encourage them. Even if it hadn't gone well, I know that the steps I'm taking are the right ones for me.

Anyways, thanks for reading guys. :)

Just an update

I know I haven't posted much lately, and I apologize for that. A lot has been going on, and I've been pretty stressed out. Just trying to keep life going from day to day. I promise a better update either tonight or tomorrow with more information about what's up and where I am. I'm also still working on "my story" to catch everyone up to my life so far. I PROMISE to release that as soon as I can. Thank you all, really, for even reading this at all.

Me, Currently, From the Side, Clothes

Me, Currently, From the Front, Clothes

Me, Currently, From the Side, Just Shapewear

Me, Currently, From the Front, Just Shapewear

Hair was messy, ignore it. XD

Mom Things

So my Mom texted me last night, I thought she was going to call but she ended up saying she wanted to get together in person, with my brother present, to talk about stuff. She said she doesn't understand, and all she knows is that she loves me. I suppose that's mostly good but I'm terrible at talking to her about important things. In this particular instance I'm worried that I am not going to have the answers to an important question or something. I don't honestly know why I'm so worried. In other news, I wore all my binder and shapewear stuff today, pics to come of that later, and I felt so wonderful. I managed to get the binder to not roll, and that really helped with the comfort level of everything. I also wore three sports bras and an extra pair of shaping underwear. I like the effects, for sure.

A Serious Question

So, I keep getting lots of parcheesi, but so far no one has actually followed my blog. I'm honestly wondering why that is. Is there something wlong with it? Do you guys not like it? Ifso, how ccan I make it better? Should I put it on tumblr or some other site instead? Please, serious answers either here or on the Reddit posts. Please help me out.

Today...

Today has been an especially stressful day, and I haven't even been up that long. I want to share my story, but in trying to write it out a lot of emotions have resurfaced that I thought I was doing a good job of keeping down. I'm alone right now, so that makes it even harder. But, I want this to be truly about my transition, and that includes everything, even the things that are hard to write or talk about. Expect an update either later today or tomorrow. Thanks to everyone who reads this!

Me, right after haircut

This is my very first short haircut in a few years. I wanted to start with something that could be boyish, but could also be feminine if necessary.

Me, a couple months ago, pre-everything

Very Happy

Well, the last few days has actually gone really well. Lots of pageviews, Thank you so much. I wasn't expecting that, but with the rush I've seen so far, I would like to try to reach more people so that they can follow me and maybe get inspiration and encouragement. In the spirit of that, I have created a Facebook page for my blog, for you to follow and hopefully share with other people. I would really love this to take off, that would actually help me through this process.

Anyways, Thank you again, I'll post the link to the page at the bottom of this post. I will update this and the page as often as possible. Also, before pictures coming very soon!

https://facebook.com/fromdonyatotristan

Edit: sorry about that guys, gals, and everyone in between! I haven't blogged in a long time so I had forgotten I had to make the hyperlink.  It should be working just fine now, please check it out and follow me if you like!

Came Out to My Mom

So, as my letter said, in the spirit of National Coming Out Day, I read my letter to my mother. I had my ex-husband there as someone who is supportive, for me, but also someone my mom would be comfortable with. She listened to the letter, didn't interrupt at all. After I was done, she was crying. She told me it was a shock, but she hugged me and told me that she just needed some time to process it. She said she loves me, and she always will, and that she just wants me to be happy. She got a little faint, and my ex helped her to a chair. She was still crying a little, but she promised me she was okay, and said again that she just needed some time. I gave her permission to talk to her boyfriend of 4 years about it (they live together, so it's inevitable that she would), and he also will know to keep it to himself for now. All in all, I would say that it went very well, even better than I could imagine. I am so happy! This is a really positive step for me.

My Coming Out Letter, v.2

After some suggestions from some friends and people on reddit, I decided to revise my letter.

"Dear Mom,

Today is National Coming Out Day, and in the spirit of that, I have something to tell you. After much soul searching I have come to the conclusion that I am transformer. For me, that means that my gender identity (in this case, male) does not match the biological gender I was assigned at birth (obviously female). This is something I have spent years thinking about this and researching it, and I reached this decision a year ago. I have a really strong feeling of gender dyspepsia, Which is just a fancy way of saying that I am uncomfortable with my gender. For as long as I can remember, every time I see or feel my chest or hips, I get really uncomfortable. I thought it was just because of my weight, but when I became comfortable with my size, the feelings were still there. I talked to other people who are transgender and realized that their feelings were very similar, sometimes even exactly the same, as mine. So I did some more thinking and talked to some of my friends, and eventually I reached this conclusion. It was as if a weight had been lifted off of me. So many things that I had been struggling with made so much more sense: Why I got along better with guys, why I like to wear men's clothes, why I act like a guy most of the time, why I've always felt so uncomfortable in girly tops and dresses and such.

I also fall into the subset of transsexual, Which means that I do eventually want my biological gender to match my gender identity. This just means that in the future I will be taking steps to actually become a male.

As it is really early in the process, I would like to keep this between you and I. It took a lot for me to be able to come out to everyone else myself when I feel the time is right.

I need you to know that this is something I have to do to be happy, and while I understand that this is also really hard for you, I would really like your support. I will try my best to answer any questions you may have as well as I possibly can.

I want you to know also that you haven't done anything wrong. Nothing you or anyone else did made me this way. I was born this way, and there have even been scientific studies to show that there is a biological basis for being transgender. Remember, no matter what, you are my Mom, and I love you, and I will always be your child, no matter my gender. You are not losing a daughter or gaining a son, I am and always will be the same person, just the labels will change. I just hope that you can see that.

Love always,
Your son,
Tristan"

My Coming Out Letter

So, I decided that, because of how easily my thoughts get jumbled, that it would be a good idea for me to write down what I wanted to say. In doing that, it turned in to a letter, which I decided that I am just going to read to her later this evening. Sadly, I have to wait until then, just in case she has a bad reaction, because my nephews' birthday party is today. My ex-husband, who is still my friend, is very hopefully going to be here when I read the letter, he has been very supportive through all of this, and having a supportive party that my mom is already comfortable with should make it easier for all parties involved. Anyways, here is the letter I wrote:

"Dear Mom,
     Today is National Coming Out Day, and in the spirit of that, I have something to tell you. After much soulsearching, I have come to the conclusion that I am transgender. For me, that means that my gender identity (in this case, male) does not match the biological gender I was assigned at birth (obviously female). I also fall into the subset of transsexual, which means that I eventually want my biological gender to match my gender identity. After I lose the weight I need to lose, I will see a therapist for 6 months to a year, a therapist who will eventually write a recommendation for hormone replacement therapy. I will then see a series of doctors who will prescribe testosterone and other hormones, and who will monitor my hormone levels and health with frequent tests as I transition towards male. After that, I will have top surgery to remove my breast tissue. It is functionally similar to having a double masectomy. Eventually, I will have my name legally changed to the name I have chosen, and my gender marker on all important documents (including my birth certificate) will be changed to male.
     As it is really early in the process, I would like to keep this between you and I. It took a lot for me to be able to come out to you, and I want to be able to come out to everyone else myself when I feel the time is right.
     I need you to know that this is something that I have to do to be happy, and while I understand that this is going to be really hard for you, I would really like your support. I will of course try my best to answer any questions you may have as well as I possibly can.
     I want you to also know that you haven't done anything wrong. Nothing you or anyone else did made me this way. I was born this way, there have even been scientific studies that show there is a biological basis for being transgender. Remember, no matter what, you are my mom, and I love you, and I will always be your child, no matter my gender. I just hope that you can see that.

Love always,
Your son,
Tristan"

So, hopefully this works out for the best. It seems the simplest way to convey everything I need to convey, leave it open for discussion, and preemptively ease her mind about certain things. So, hopefully it goes well.

National Coming Out Day

So, a friend told me that today is National Coming Out Day, so I looked it up and, indeed, that is a thing. I had been contemplating coming out to my mother this weekend anyway, and now I have decided that instead of waiting until tomorrow to do it, I am going to seize the day for what it is, and finally get the balls (pun intended) to tell my mom that I'm a boy. I don't know how she's going to take it, at least not fully, or exactly how I am going to tell her yet, but I do know that putting it off will not make it any easier. I expect that there will be crying, and she will probably blame herself, feeling that she did something wrong as a parent, but I will do my best to assure her that that isn't true, because there is nothing wrong with me. I was just born different, and that's okay. Wish me luck!