TRIGGERS: 5) A Time You Felt Like Ending Your Life, 30 Days, Day 5

    This is probably going to be the hardest one of these I have to write because it's still relatively fresh in my mind.
    Some of you know, but most of you probably don't, but I attempted suicide for the first (and hopefully the last) time in my life about 2 months ago. Pills, it was always going to be pills...a mix of Klonopin and sleeping pills. In retrospect, it probably wasn't even enough to kill me, but I was in a terrible place and I couldn't even explain why if I tried. The urge just started, I got really anxious, started taking Klonopin to calm down, realized I'd taken 26 of them and decided to just finish what I'd started. I then crushed up an undisclosed amount of sleeping pills, mixed them with some pudding so I wouldn't taste them, and ate them.
    By the time the drowsiness hit me good and hard, I'd realized what a mistake I had made. I have tobthank my best friend, he knows who he is and I won't name him without his permission, for potentially (probably) saving my life. He was on Skype with me and just kept me talking and drinking water and awake until we thought I might be safe. When I finally felt okay to sleep, I was basically on autopilot for 2 day. I got up for food and the bathroom, but I don't remember any of it.
   All in all, I learned a lot. I learned I had more people than I ever could have thought when cared about me, and that suicide is not the answer. I hope my experience can help other people, especially if they're also transgender. Please, please don't become a statistic, please. Be strong, hold on, it does get better.

4) Your Views on Religion, 30 Days, Day 4

    I believe in all paths to "God". I personally am a solitary eclectic Wiccan studying the Correllian tradition and chaos magick. Anyone who wants to know more about any of that, please feel free to ask either here or on my facebook, just give me a way to contact you directly.

    All I am really willing to say here is, as with my views on politics, i believe that if what you're doing isn't hurting anyone, you should be able to do it. I don't believe we should make "sin" illegal just because we don't understand it or it makes us unnecessarily uncomfortable.

3) Your Views on Drugs and Alcohol, 30 Days, Day 3

(I'm trying harder, I promise)

     Alright well, I suppose I will start with alcohol. I drink, I don't hide that fact. I like to have a Mike's after a long day, or a few drinks at a party, and sometimes I even get pretty smashed. I have no problem with people drinking as long as they are responsible about it. Don't get so drunk you can't take care of yourself, don't get even buzzed and drive. Basically, don't be an idiot. Act like a responsible adult when you're drinking, don't drink when you're mad or depressed, and you'll be fine.

    And now, I suppose, on to the topic of drugs. This is a hard topic for me to talk about. A lot of people don't know this about me but I have had issues with abusing prescription drugs in the past. Pain pills, benzos, Adderall. I don't condone this, I don't think anyone else should do this. Take your pills as prescribed, people. That's hypocritical, I know, but it's truth.

    As for other drugs, literally the only one I officially condone is marijuana. Most other drugs, though, if you want to fuck up your life, by all means go for it. I take the libertarian stance about it. I wouldn't do it but I can't tell you that you can't.

    That's pretty much it, I could go in to my views on marijuana but, as it is still illegal where I live, I will not be doing that at this point in time. Maybe in the future I can amend this to include those views.

Greater Reach, Almost 3000 Pageviews

    As I start to approach 3000 pageviews, I am starting to realize that maybe I have a greater reach than I thought. Maybe, as I go through this transition, maybe I have an obligation to share what I've gone through and what I'm going through with the world. Maybe I can help other people like me to handle the things that I handled badly better. Maybe I can help people in a lot of ways.

    And just maybe that maybe is the motivation I need to get this going again.

The Last Few Days

So, it started when my brother messaged me on Facebook. He told me to come to Thanksgiving as a girl, and don't expect anyone to call me by my boy name or use male pronouns. Mostly because he just wants to have a drama free holiday. Which is fine, but at the time I was pretty sure No one was going to cause drama anyways, I was obviously going to be polite about it.

And then he told me that he and my Mom don't believe that I am transgender, they think I'm just a follower and I do what people around me do.

So I tried talking to my mother, who I had thought was being supportive. I told her I had had these feelings for years, she said, "Bullshit," and there is Nothing I can do to convince her otherwise. She said that I can't come to Thanksgiving because Tristan is not allowed in her house. She all but disowned me, told me she would never accept me. She even threatened to have me committed before she would let me change my gender marker. Things just went downhill from there.

Tonight I sent her a message basically telling her that I love her and need her in my life, but I also need to be myself. I am finally happy now that I know who I am and understand Why I've been having all these feelings. Hopefully she will read it and understand, but probably not. I suppose, though, that it was worth a shot. I asked her to please, please try to believe me and understand. We'll see what happens.

In the end I have realized that my family's love is conditional, Which is really hard to accept, but I may have to, you know? I have a new "family" of amazing friends anyways, so I have a great support network. It's pretty Awesome, to say the least. I just hope that someday my blood relatives will come to accept me.

Thank you all for caring enough to read my Rantings, really.