Greater Reach, Almost 3000 Pageviews

    As I start to approach 3000 pageviews, I am starting to realize that maybe I have a greater reach than I thought. Maybe, as I go through this transition, maybe I have an obligation to share what I've gone through and what I'm going through with the world. Maybe I can help other people like me to handle the things that I handled badly better. Maybe I can help people in a lot of ways.

    And just maybe that maybe is the motivation I need to get this going again.

The Last Few Days

So, it started when my brother messaged me on Facebook. He told me to come to Thanksgiving as a girl, and don't expect anyone to call me by my boy name or use male pronouns. Mostly because he just wants to have a drama free holiday. Which is fine, but at the time I was pretty sure No one was going to cause drama anyways, I was obviously going to be polite about it.

And then he told me that he and my Mom don't believe that I am transgender, they think I'm just a follower and I do what people around me do.

So I tried talking to my mother, who I had thought was being supportive. I told her I had had these feelings for years, she said, "Bullshit," and there is Nothing I can do to convince her otherwise. She said that I can't come to Thanksgiving because Tristan is not allowed in her house. She all but disowned me, told me she would never accept me. She even threatened to have me committed before she would let me change my gender marker. Things just went downhill from there.

Tonight I sent her a message basically telling her that I love her and need her in my life, but I also need to be myself. I am finally happy now that I know who I am and understand Why I've been having all these feelings. Hopefully she will read it and understand, but probably not. I suppose, though, that it was worth a shot. I asked her to please, please try to believe me and understand. We'll see what happens.

In the end I have realized that my family's love is conditional, Which is really hard to accept, but I may have to, you know? I have a new "family" of amazing friends anyways, so I have a great support network. It's pretty Awesome, to say the least. I just hope that someday my blood relatives will come to accept me.

Thank you all for caring enough to read my Rantings, really.

Coming Out Update

So, I came out to everyone in a post on Facebook. I feel like there really is no "good" time to do it, but it just felt like the "right" time, and I feel like that was more important. For the most part, everyone has been really supportive. Everyone who bothered to comment, at least. I don't really know about anyone who didn't comment. The only thing even slightly off that anyone said was my aunt, who is a lesbian, just told me that life was hard for her and was going to be much harder for me, and asked to make sure I had done my research. Also my brother said that it was going to take him a while to get used to calling me "bro" instead of "sis," so that's a step in the right direction. So far, honestly, I feel like my coming out could not have gone any better, and I am so lucky and grateful that it did go so well. There are many people who are not so lucky, and I wish that I could take some of the burden off of those people. But, hopefully what I can do is encourage them. Even if it hadn't gone well, I know that the steps I'm taking are the right ones for me.

Anyways, thanks for reading guys. :)

Came Out to My Mom

So, as my letter said, in the spirit of National Coming Out Day, I read my letter to my mother. I had my ex-husband there as someone who is supportive, for me, but also someone my mom would be comfortable with. She listened to the letter, didn't interrupt at all. After I was done, she was crying. She told me it was a shock, but she hugged me and told me that she just needed some time to process it. She said she loves me, and she always will, and that she just wants me to be happy. She got a little faint, and my ex helped her to a chair. She was still crying a little, but she promised me she was okay, and said again that she just needed some time. I gave her permission to talk to her boyfriend of 4 years about it (they live together, so it's inevitable that she would), and he also will know to keep it to himself for now. All in all, I would say that it went very well, even better than I could imagine. I am so happy! This is a really positive step for me.

My Coming Out Letter, v.2

After some suggestions from some friends and people on reddit, I decided to revise my letter.

"Dear Mom,

Today is National Coming Out Day, and in the spirit of that, I have something to tell you. After much soul searching I have come to the conclusion that I am transformer. For me, that means that my gender identity (in this case, male) does not match the biological gender I was assigned at birth (obviously female). This is something I have spent years thinking about this and researching it, and I reached this decision a year ago. I have a really strong feeling of gender dyspepsia, Which is just a fancy way of saying that I am uncomfortable with my gender. For as long as I can remember, every time I see or feel my chest or hips, I get really uncomfortable. I thought it was just because of my weight, but when I became comfortable with my size, the feelings were still there. I talked to other people who are transgender and realized that their feelings were very similar, sometimes even exactly the same, as mine. So I did some more thinking and talked to some of my friends, and eventually I reached this conclusion. It was as if a weight had been lifted off of me. So many things that I had been struggling with made so much more sense: Why I got along better with guys, why I like to wear men's clothes, why I act like a guy most of the time, why I've always felt so uncomfortable in girly tops and dresses and such.

I also fall into the subset of transsexual, Which means that I do eventually want my biological gender to match my gender identity. This just means that in the future I will be taking steps to actually become a male.

As it is really early in the process, I would like to keep this between you and I. It took a lot for me to be able to come out to everyone else myself when I feel the time is right.

I need you to know that this is something I have to do to be happy, and while I understand that this is also really hard for you, I would really like your support. I will try my best to answer any questions you may have as well as I possibly can.

I want you to know also that you haven't done anything wrong. Nothing you or anyone else did made me this way. I was born this way, and there have even been scientific studies to show that there is a biological basis for being transgender. Remember, no matter what, you are my Mom, and I love you, and I will always be your child, no matter my gender. You are not losing a daughter or gaining a son, I am and always will be the same person, just the labels will change. I just hope that you can see that.

Love always,
Your son,
Tristan"

My Coming Out Letter

So, I decided that, because of how easily my thoughts get jumbled, that it would be a good idea for me to write down what I wanted to say. In doing that, it turned in to a letter, which I decided that I am just going to read to her later this evening. Sadly, I have to wait until then, just in case she has a bad reaction, because my nephews' birthday party is today. My ex-husband, who is still my friend, is very hopefully going to be here when I read the letter, he has been very supportive through all of this, and having a supportive party that my mom is already comfortable with should make it easier for all parties involved. Anyways, here is the letter I wrote:

"Dear Mom,
     Today is National Coming Out Day, and in the spirit of that, I have something to tell you. After much soulsearching, I have come to the conclusion that I am transgender. For me, that means that my gender identity (in this case, male) does not match the biological gender I was assigned at birth (obviously female). I also fall into the subset of transsexual, which means that I eventually want my biological gender to match my gender identity. After I lose the weight I need to lose, I will see a therapist for 6 months to a year, a therapist who will eventually write a recommendation for hormone replacement therapy. I will then see a series of doctors who will prescribe testosterone and other hormones, and who will monitor my hormone levels and health with frequent tests as I transition towards male. After that, I will have top surgery to remove my breast tissue. It is functionally similar to having a double masectomy. Eventually, I will have my name legally changed to the name I have chosen, and my gender marker on all important documents (including my birth certificate) will be changed to male.
     As it is really early in the process, I would like to keep this between you and I. It took a lot for me to be able to come out to you, and I want to be able to come out to everyone else myself when I feel the time is right.
     I need you to know that this is something that I have to do to be happy, and while I understand that this is going to be really hard for you, I would really like your support. I will of course try my best to answer any questions you may have as well as I possibly can.
     I want you to also know that you haven't done anything wrong. Nothing you or anyone else did made me this way. I was born this way, there have even been scientific studies that show there is a biological basis for being transgender. Remember, no matter what, you are my mom, and I love you, and I will always be your child, no matter my gender. I just hope that you can see that.

Love always,
Your son,
Tristan"

So, hopefully this works out for the best. It seems the simplest way to convey everything I need to convey, leave it open for discussion, and preemptively ease her mind about certain things. So, hopefully it goes well.

National Coming Out Day

So, a friend told me that today is National Coming Out Day, so I looked it up and, indeed, that is a thing. I had been contemplating coming out to my mother this weekend anyway, and now I have decided that instead of waiting until tomorrow to do it, I am going to seize the day for what it is, and finally get the balls (pun intended) to tell my mom that I'm a boy. I don't know how she's going to take it, at least not fully, or exactly how I am going to tell her yet, but I do know that putting it off will not make it any easier. I expect that there will be crying, and she will probably blame herself, feeling that she did something wrong as a parent, but I will do my best to assure her that that isn't true, because there is nothing wrong with me. I was just born different, and that's okay. Wish me luck!