Life, Stress, and PrideFest

    Life is hard. Full of changes, both good and bad, and just hard in general. I finally got moved, which took longer than I had expected it would, but it's done. I don't have my own room yet because, well, the people in the house who have a truck to move the stuff out of the room that's going to be mine are lazy. They both get distracted or "busy" and it doesn't get done. Only one load has been taken out of that room, and there is so much that needs to be moved out of there before I can even begin to do the work that will lead to me having a room of my own.

    I've been really depressed lately. My best friend was in the hospital for a while, and then there was some drama with him. I feel like we're drifting apart and I hate it. I think part of me knows that I care too much about other people and never enough about myself. I spend all my energy taking care of other people, or at least trying to, and it never works out in my favor. I just want everyone around me to be happy, and I want to do everything I can to make sure that happens.

   In other news, today is PrideFest at the beautiful old Sloss Furnaces. Mya is performing tonight and I think we're actually going to go. It's free, and I am so excited. I also found out that the gay bar here in Birmingham, it's called The Quest, is a 24/7 dance club. How exciting is that?  I haven't gotten to go, but as soon as I do man, it's going to be amazing.

    Also, for those of you who are paying attention, I promise I am working on my 30 facts about myself. It's just really hard because I don't feel like I'm all that interesting and most of the things I can think of I'm either like, "They already know that," or, "They wouldn't want to know that." I feel like most of the facts I think of are kind of TMI for the average person. So as of right now I have, like, 6 things written down. But I swear I'm working on it, hope to have it done within the next day or so.

    As always, I love you guys, and thank you for checking out my page. It really means a lot to me to have people who pay attention and read my stuff. I wish I had more stuff to talk about besides just being depressed and not making any progress of any sort. But, thank you for sticking around even if that's all I have to talk about. Love you guys.

TRIGGERS: 5) A Time You Felt Like Ending Your Life, 30 Days, Day 5

    This is probably going to be the hardest one of these I have to write because it's still relatively fresh in my mind.
    Some of you know, but most of you probably don't, but I attempted suicide for the first (and hopefully the last) time in my life about 2 months ago. Pills, it was always going to be pills...a mix of Klonopin and sleeping pills. In retrospect, it probably wasn't even enough to kill me, but I was in a terrible place and I couldn't even explain why if I tried. The urge just started, I got really anxious, started taking Klonopin to calm down, realized I'd taken 26 of them and decided to just finish what I'd started. I then crushed up an undisclosed amount of sleeping pills, mixed them with some pudding so I wouldn't taste them, and ate them.
    By the time the drowsiness hit me good and hard, I'd realized what a mistake I had made. I have tobthank my best friend, he knows who he is and I won't name him without his permission, for potentially (probably) saving my life. He was on Skype with me and just kept me talking and drinking water and awake until we thought I might be safe. When I finally felt okay to sleep, I was basically on autopilot for 2 day. I got up for food and the bathroom, but I don't remember any of it.
   All in all, I learned a lot. I learned I had more people than I ever could have thought when cared about me, and that suicide is not the answer. I hope my experience can help other people, especially if they're also transgender. Please, please don't become a statistic, please. Be strong, hold on, it does get better.

4) Your Views on Religion, 30 Days, Day 4

    I believe in all paths to "God". I personally am a solitary eclectic Wiccan studying the Correllian tradition and chaos magick. Anyone who wants to know more about any of that, please feel free to ask either here or on my facebook, just give me a way to contact you directly.

    All I am really willing to say here is, as with my views on politics, i believe that if what you're doing isn't hurting anyone, you should be able to do it. I don't believe we should make "sin" illegal just because we don't understand it or it makes us unnecessarily uncomfortable.

3) Your Views on Drugs and Alcohol, 30 Days, Day 3

(I'm trying harder, I promise)

     Alright well, I suppose I will start with alcohol. I drink, I don't hide that fact. I like to have a Mike's after a long day, or a few drinks at a party, and sometimes I even get pretty smashed. I have no problem with people drinking as long as they are responsible about it. Don't get so drunk you can't take care of yourself, don't get even buzzed and drive. Basically, don't be an idiot. Act like a responsible adult when you're drinking, don't drink when you're mad or depressed, and you'll be fine.

    And now, I suppose, on to the topic of drugs. This is a hard topic for me to talk about. A lot of people don't know this about me but I have had issues with abusing prescription drugs in the past. Pain pills, benzos, Adderall. I don't condone this, I don't think anyone else should do this. Take your pills as prescribed, people. That's hypocritical, I know, but it's truth.

    As for other drugs, literally the only one I officially condone is marijuana. Most other drugs, though, if you want to fuck up your life, by all means go for it. I take the libertarian stance about it. I wouldn't do it but I can't tell you that you can't.

    That's pretty much it, I could go in to my views on marijuana but, as it is still illegal where I live, I will not be doing that at this point in time. Maybe in the future I can amend this to include those views.

Greater Reach, Almost 3000 Pageviews

    As I start to approach 3000 pageviews, I am starting to realize that maybe I have a greater reach than I thought. Maybe, as I go through this transition, maybe I have an obligation to share what I've gone through and what I'm going through with the world. Maybe I can help other people like me to handle the things that I handled badly better. Maybe I can help people in a lot of ways.

    And just maybe that maybe is the motivation I need to get this going again.

2) Where You Want to Be in 10 Years, 30 Days, Day 2

(I know that I'm doing a terrible job of putting one out every day, but I'm trying, I love you guys.)

    10 years is a long time, and it's hard to even fathom where I might be that long from now. I'm hoping by then to have gone back to school and be finished, hopefully doing some sort of work that I love. I would also like to have a husband or wife and a family by then, maybe an adorable little polycule? Who even knows.
   I hope that some of these are going to be longer, but I just really don't know right now. My life is pretty lost right now. I'll make a separate post at some point to try to explain all of that and why things are hard and why I can't just do all the things I'm supposed to be doing every day.
    Thank you guys for always sticking by me, reading my posts, caring enough to keep up with me even though I'm really bad at keeping up myself. Every one of my readers is amazing, seriously. I love you guys.

1) Your Current Relationship: 30 Days, Day 1

    My boyfriend, Corwyn, told me he loves me for the first time Monday night. We were at the mall wasting time, waiting for his brother to get of work. I said it first, but he told me he had been waiting for me to say it first anyways. He was afraid I would think he was moving too fast if he said it first.
    He's a really great guy. He's polite, a total gentleman. He was raised on tales of Robin Hood and King Arthur, and he still believe in the Knight's Code. He opens door for me and takes me to the movies and actually pays for it. Ad, we have so much fun jut hanging out and being with each other.
    As I originally wrote this, we were at a laundromat, I was writing and he was playing a computer game, and we were still having a blast just being with each other. I really don't think I could be much happier, and I cannot wait to see where this goes. <3

Update!

So, for those of you that don't know, I moved on January 1st. To a new apartment in a new town with some friends. I was living in a camper with no heat or hot water. As much as I enjoyed not being homeless, some days it felt like I was anyways. But now, I have an amazing living situation with amazing people who are really helping me learn how to be independent and take care of myself.

I miss my friends, and I miss Dave, but this is going to be really good for me, and in turn, good for him. Hopefully while I'm here learning to take care of myself, he can do the same where he is. When we put it together, we can actually be two functioning adults, wouldn't that be something?

Something I Found

This picture pretty perfectly explains a lot of why I haven't been posting much lately. Sorry guys, I'm sure I'll have a lot to post over the next two weeks.

I'm Just Sad

So I like this girl. She's amazing, funny, open, honest, smart, and just pretty much a blast to be around. I had told a couple of people that I like her, and they were all like, "Just ask her out! The worst thing she can say is No!" So I said, alright, I will, so I started a conversation with and then I just came out and asked her on a date. She said that she values me as a friend, and she's not really dating right now. So that's the end of that, I suppose. I don't blame her, honestly, she's way out of my league anyways. I guess, I don't know, I tried having hope and I just really should have left it alone. I guess I'm just going to have to work through the awkwardness that I just created.

The Last Few Days

So, it started when my brother messaged me on Facebook. He told me to come to Thanksgiving as a girl, and don't expect anyone to call me by my boy name or use male pronouns. Mostly because he just wants to have a drama free holiday. Which is fine, but at the time I was pretty sure No one was going to cause drama anyways, I was obviously going to be polite about it.

And then he told me that he and my Mom don't believe that I am transgender, they think I'm just a follower and I do what people around me do.

So I tried talking to my mother, who I had thought was being supportive. I told her I had had these feelings for years, she said, "Bullshit," and there is Nothing I can do to convince her otherwise. She said that I can't come to Thanksgiving because Tristan is not allowed in her house. She all but disowned me, told me she would never accept me. She even threatened to have me committed before she would let me change my gender marker. Things just went downhill from there.

Tonight I sent her a message basically telling her that I love her and need her in my life, but I also need to be myself. I am finally happy now that I know who I am and understand Why I've been having all these feelings. Hopefully she will read it and understand, but probably not. I suppose, though, that it was worth a shot. I asked her to please, please try to believe me and understand. We'll see what happens.

In the end I have realized that my family's love is conditional, Which is really hard to accept, but I may have to, you know? I have a new "family" of amazing friends anyways, so I have a great support network. It's pretty Awesome, to say the least. I just hope that someday my blood relatives will come to accept me.

Thank you all for caring enough to read my Rantings, really.

Sad News

So, tonight has been...well, pretty awful. First, I had to do girl for hours and that was awkward. Then I got in a discussion with my boyfriend about his inability to handle emotions that led to us breaking up. Basically, he just can't really understand my emotions and never knows what to say about anything, and for me, especially now, I either really need someone who can empathize with me or I need to be alone, at least romantically. We are going to stay friends, and honestly we will probably continue living together, at least for now. It's easier and probably better for both of us right now. But, it is still really hard, and I feel really alone in all of this. Not more so than I already did, I suppose, it's just that now it's an official thing. I don't know what the next step from here is, honestly.

Some Days

I still have to girl mode sometimes, to make people more comfortable...it's annoying but I guess it's not the end of the world. I suppose I'm at least a little pretty.

Coming Out Update

So, I came out to everyone in a post on Facebook. I feel like there really is no "good" time to do it, but it just felt like the "right" time, and I feel like that was more important. For the most part, everyone has been really supportive. Everyone who bothered to comment, at least. I don't really know about anyone who didn't comment. The only thing even slightly off that anyone said was my aunt, who is a lesbian, just told me that life was hard for her and was going to be much harder for me, and asked to make sure I had done my research. Also my brother said that it was going to take him a while to get used to calling me "bro" instead of "sis," so that's a step in the right direction. So far, honestly, I feel like my coming out could not have gone any better, and I am so lucky and grateful that it did go so well. There are many people who are not so lucky, and I wish that I could take some of the burden off of those people. But, hopefully what I can do is encourage them. Even if it hadn't gone well, I know that the steps I'm taking are the right ones for me.

Anyways, thanks for reading guys. :)

Just an update

I know I haven't posted much lately, and I apologize for that. A lot has been going on, and I've been pretty stressed out. Just trying to keep life going from day to day. I promise a better update either tonight or tomorrow with more information about what's up and where I am. I'm also still working on "my story" to catch everyone up to my life so far. I PROMISE to release that as soon as I can. Thank you all, really, for even reading this at all.

Me, Currently, From the Side, Clothes

Me, Currently, From the Front, Clothes

Me, Currently, From the Side, Just Shapewear

Me, Currently, From the Front, Just Shapewear

Hair was messy, ignore it. XD

Mom Things

So my Mom texted me last night, I thought she was going to call but she ended up saying she wanted to get together in person, with my brother present, to talk about stuff. She said she doesn't understand, and all she knows is that she loves me. I suppose that's mostly good but I'm terrible at talking to her about important things. In this particular instance I'm worried that I am not going to have the answers to an important question or something. I don't honestly know why I'm so worried. In other news, I wore all my binder and shapewear stuff today, pics to come of that later, and I felt so wonderful. I managed to get the binder to not roll, and that really helped with the comfort level of everything. I also wore three sports bras and an extra pair of shaping underwear. I like the effects, for sure.