TRIGGERS: 5) A Time You Felt Like Ending Your Life, 30 Days, Day 5

    This is probably going to be the hardest one of these I have to write because it's still relatively fresh in my mind.
    Some of you know, but most of you probably don't, but I attempted suicide for the first (and hopefully the last) time in my life about 2 months ago. Pills, it was always going to be pills...a mix of Klonopin and sleeping pills. In retrospect, it probably wasn't even enough to kill me, but I was in a terrible place and I couldn't even explain why if I tried. The urge just started, I got really anxious, started taking Klonopin to calm down, realized I'd taken 26 of them and decided to just finish what I'd started. I then crushed up an undisclosed amount of sleeping pills, mixed them with some pudding so I wouldn't taste them, and ate them.
    By the time the drowsiness hit me good and hard, I'd realized what a mistake I had made. I have tobthank my best friend, he knows who he is and I won't name him without his permission, for potentially (probably) saving my life. He was on Skype with me and just kept me talking and drinking water and awake until we thought I might be safe. When I finally felt okay to sleep, I was basically on autopilot for 2 day. I got up for food and the bathroom, but I don't remember any of it.
   All in all, I learned a lot. I learned I had more people than I ever could have thought when cared about me, and that suicide is not the answer. I hope my experience can help other people, especially if they're also transgender. Please, please don't become a statistic, please. Be strong, hold on, it does get better.

4) Your Views on Religion, 30 Days, Day 4

    I believe in all paths to "God". I personally am a solitary eclectic Wiccan studying the Correllian tradition and chaos magick. Anyone who wants to know more about any of that, please feel free to ask either here or on my facebook, just give me a way to contact you directly.

    All I am really willing to say here is, as with my views on politics, i believe that if what you're doing isn't hurting anyone, you should be able to do it. I don't believe we should make "sin" illegal just because we don't understand it or it makes us unnecessarily uncomfortable.

Greater Reach, Almost 3000 Pageviews

    As I start to approach 3000 pageviews, I am starting to realize that maybe I have a greater reach than I thought. Maybe, as I go through this transition, maybe I have an obligation to share what I've gone through and what I'm going through with the world. Maybe I can help other people like me to handle the things that I handled badly better. Maybe I can help people in a lot of ways.

    And just maybe that maybe is the motivation I need to get this going again.

Something I Found

This picture pretty perfectly explains a lot of why I haven't been posting much lately. Sorry guys, I'm sure I'll have a lot to post over the next two weeks.

The Last Few Days

So, it started when my brother messaged me on Facebook. He told me to come to Thanksgiving as a girl, and don't expect anyone to call me by my boy name or use male pronouns. Mostly because he just wants to have a drama free holiday. Which is fine, but at the time I was pretty sure No one was going to cause drama anyways, I was obviously going to be polite about it.

And then he told me that he and my Mom don't believe that I am transgender, they think I'm just a follower and I do what people around me do.

So I tried talking to my mother, who I had thought was being supportive. I told her I had had these feelings for years, she said, "Bullshit," and there is Nothing I can do to convince her otherwise. She said that I can't come to Thanksgiving because Tristan is not allowed in her house. She all but disowned me, told me she would never accept me. She even threatened to have me committed before she would let me change my gender marker. Things just went downhill from there.

Tonight I sent her a message basically telling her that I love her and need her in my life, but I also need to be myself. I am finally happy now that I know who I am and understand Why I've been having all these feelings. Hopefully she will read it and understand, but probably not. I suppose, though, that it was worth a shot. I asked her to please, please try to believe me and understand. We'll see what happens.

In the end I have realized that my family's love is conditional, Which is really hard to accept, but I may have to, you know? I have a new "family" of amazing friends anyways, so I have a great support network. It's pretty Awesome, to say the least. I just hope that someday my blood relatives will come to accept me.

Thank you all for caring enough to read my Rantings, really.

Sad News

So, tonight has been...well, pretty awful. First, I had to do girl for hours and that was awkward. Then I got in a discussion with my boyfriend about his inability to handle emotions that led to us breaking up. Basically, he just can't really understand my emotions and never knows what to say about anything, and for me, especially now, I either really need someone who can empathize with me or I need to be alone, at least romantically. We are going to stay friends, and honestly we will probably continue living together, at least for now. It's easier and probably better for both of us right now. But, it is still really hard, and I feel really alone in all of this. Not more so than I already did, I suppose, it's just that now it's an official thing. I don't know what the next step from here is, honestly.

Some Days

I still have to girl mode sometimes, to make people more comfortable...it's annoying but I guess it's not the end of the world. I suppose I'm at least a little pretty.

Coming Out Update

So, I came out to everyone in a post on Facebook. I feel like there really is no "good" time to do it, but it just felt like the "right" time, and I feel like that was more important. For the most part, everyone has been really supportive. Everyone who bothered to comment, at least. I don't really know about anyone who didn't comment. The only thing even slightly off that anyone said was my aunt, who is a lesbian, just told me that life was hard for her and was going to be much harder for me, and asked to make sure I had done my research. Also my brother said that it was going to take him a while to get used to calling me "bro" instead of "sis," so that's a step in the right direction. So far, honestly, I feel like my coming out could not have gone any better, and I am so lucky and grateful that it did go so well. There are many people who are not so lucky, and I wish that I could take some of the burden off of those people. But, hopefully what I can do is encourage them. Even if it hadn't gone well, I know that the steps I'm taking are the right ones for me.

Anyways, thanks for reading guys. :)

Just an update

I know I haven't posted much lately, and I apologize for that. A lot has been going on, and I've been pretty stressed out. Just trying to keep life going from day to day. I promise a better update either tonight or tomorrow with more information about what's up and where I am. I'm also still working on "my story" to catch everyone up to my life so far. I PROMISE to release that as soon as I can. Thank you all, really, for even reading this at all.

Me, Currently, From the Side, Clothes

Me, Currently, From the Front, Clothes

Me, Currently, From the Side, Just Shapewear

Me, Currently, From the Front, Just Shapewear

Hair was messy, ignore it. XD

Mom Things

So my Mom texted me last night, I thought she was going to call but she ended up saying she wanted to get together in person, with my brother present, to talk about stuff. She said she doesn't understand, and all she knows is that she loves me. I suppose that's mostly good but I'm terrible at talking to her about important things. In this particular instance I'm worried that I am not going to have the answers to an important question or something. I don't honestly know why I'm so worried. In other news, I wore all my binder and shapewear stuff today, pics to come of that later, and I felt so wonderful. I managed to get the binder to not roll, and that really helped with the comfort level of everything. I also wore three sports bras and an extra pair of shaping underwear. I like the effects, for sure.

A Serious Question

So, I keep getting lots of parcheesi, but so far no one has actually followed my blog. I'm honestly wondering why that is. Is there something wlong with it? Do you guys not like it? Ifso, how ccan I make it better? Should I put it on tumblr or some other site instead? Please, serious answers either here or on the Reddit posts. Please help me out.

Today...

Today has been an especially stressful day, and I haven't even been up that long. I want to share my story, but in trying to write it out a lot of emotions have resurfaced that I thought I was doing a good job of keeping down. I'm alone right now, so that makes it even harder. But, I want this to be truly about my transition, and that includes everything, even the things that are hard to write or talk about. Expect an update either later today or tomorrow. Thanks to everyone who reads this!