TRIGGERS: 5) A Time You Felt Like Ending Your Life, 30 Days, Day 5

    This is probably going to be the hardest one of these I have to write because it's still relatively fresh in my mind.
    Some of you know, but most of you probably don't, but I attempted suicide for the first (and hopefully the last) time in my life about 2 months ago. Pills, it was always going to be pills...a mix of Klonopin and sleeping pills. In retrospect, it probably wasn't even enough to kill me, but I was in a terrible place and I couldn't even explain why if I tried. The urge just started, I got really anxious, started taking Klonopin to calm down, realized I'd taken 26 of them and decided to just finish what I'd started. I then crushed up an undisclosed amount of sleeping pills, mixed them with some pudding so I wouldn't taste them, and ate them.
    By the time the drowsiness hit me good and hard, I'd realized what a mistake I had made. I have tobthank my best friend, he knows who he is and I won't name him without his permission, for potentially (probably) saving my life. He was on Skype with me and just kept me talking and drinking water and awake until we thought I might be safe. When I finally felt okay to sleep, I was basically on autopilot for 2 day. I got up for food and the bathroom, but I don't remember any of it.
   All in all, I learned a lot. I learned I had more people than I ever could have thought when cared about me, and that suicide is not the answer. I hope my experience can help other people, especially if they're also transgender. Please, please don't become a statistic, please. Be strong, hold on, it does get better.

4) Your Views on Religion, 30 Days, Day 4

    I believe in all paths to "God". I personally am a solitary eclectic Wiccan studying the Correllian tradition and chaos magick. Anyone who wants to know more about any of that, please feel free to ask either here or on my facebook, just give me a way to contact you directly.

    All I am really willing to say here is, as with my views on politics, i believe that if what you're doing isn't hurting anyone, you should be able to do it. I don't believe we should make "sin" illegal just because we don't understand it or it makes us unnecessarily uncomfortable.

3) Your Views on Drugs and Alcohol, 30 Days, Day 3

(I'm trying harder, I promise)

     Alright well, I suppose I will start with alcohol. I drink, I don't hide that fact. I like to have a Mike's after a long day, or a few drinks at a party, and sometimes I even get pretty smashed. I have no problem with people drinking as long as they are responsible about it. Don't get so drunk you can't take care of yourself, don't get even buzzed and drive. Basically, don't be an idiot. Act like a responsible adult when you're drinking, don't drink when you're mad or depressed, and you'll be fine.

    And now, I suppose, on to the topic of drugs. This is a hard topic for me to talk about. A lot of people don't know this about me but I have had issues with abusing prescription drugs in the past. Pain pills, benzos, Adderall. I don't condone this, I don't think anyone else should do this. Take your pills as prescribed, people. That's hypocritical, I know, but it's truth.

    As for other drugs, literally the only one I officially condone is marijuana. Most other drugs, though, if you want to fuck up your life, by all means go for it. I take the libertarian stance about it. I wouldn't do it but I can't tell you that you can't.

    That's pretty much it, I could go in to my views on marijuana but, as it is still illegal where I live, I will not be doing that at this point in time. Maybe in the future I can amend this to include those views.

Greater Reach, Almost 3000 Pageviews

    As I start to approach 3000 pageviews, I am starting to realize that maybe I have a greater reach than I thought. Maybe, as I go through this transition, maybe I have an obligation to share what I've gone through and what I'm going through with the world. Maybe I can help other people like me to handle the things that I handled badly better. Maybe I can help people in a lot of ways.

    And just maybe that maybe is the motivation I need to get this going again.

2) Where You Want to Be in 10 Years, 30 Days, Day 2

(I know that I'm doing a terrible job of putting one out every day, but I'm trying, I love you guys.)

    10 years is a long time, and it's hard to even fathom where I might be that long from now. I'm hoping by then to have gone back to school and be finished, hopefully doing some sort of work that I love. I would also like to have a husband or wife and a family by then, maybe an adorable little polycule? Who even knows.
   I hope that some of these are going to be longer, but I just really don't know right now. My life is pretty lost right now. I'll make a separate post at some point to try to explain all of that and why things are hard and why I can't just do all the things I'm supposed to be doing every day.
    Thank you guys for always sticking by me, reading my posts, caring enough to keep up with me even though I'm really bad at keeping up myself. Every one of my readers is amazing, seriously. I love you guys.

1) Your Current Relationship: 30 Days, Day 1

    My boyfriend, Corwyn, told me he loves me for the first time Monday night. We were at the mall wasting time, waiting for his brother to get of work. I said it first, but he told me he had been waiting for me to say it first anyways. He was afraid I would think he was moving too fast if he said it first.
    He's a really great guy. He's polite, a total gentleman. He was raised on tales of Robin Hood and King Arthur, and he still believe in the Knight's Code. He opens door for me and takes me to the movies and actually pays for it. Ad, we have so much fun jut hanging out and being with each other.
    As I originally wrote this, we were at a laundromat, I was writing and he was playing a computer game, and we were still having a blast just being with each other. I really don't think I could be much happier, and I cannot wait to see where this goes. <3

Something I'm going to do just to let you guys know a little more about me...

30 Day Challenge
1. Your current relationship
2. Where you want to be in 10 years
3. Your views on drugs and alcohol
4. Your views on religion
5. A time you felt like ending your life
6. Write 30 interesting facts about yourself
7. Your zodiac sign and if you think it fits
8. A moment you felt satisfied with life
9. What you hope your future will be like
10. Discuss your first love and first kiss
11. Put your music player on shuffle, 10 songs
12. Bullet your whole day
13. Somewhere you would like to move or visit
14. Your earliest memory
15. Your favorite blogs/Tumblrs/YouTubers
16. Your views on mainstream music
17. Your highs and lows of the past year
18. Your beliefs
19. Disrespecting your parents
20. How important you think education is
21. One of your favorite shows
22. How have you changed in the past two years
23. Give pictures of 5 famous people you find attractive
24. Your favorite movie and what it's about
25.Someone who fascinates you and why
26. What kind of person attracts you and why
27. A problem that you have had
28. Something that you miss
29. Goals for the next 30 days
30. Your highs and lows for the past month.

An apology, and a promise

First, I owe everyone who actually follows this an apology. I haven't had much to post really as I haven't been making much of anything in the way of progress. I don't want to bore you all with pointless updates, but I should still be checking in more often. I love you guys, really. You've all been so supportive!

I will have a better update in a little while, I promise!

Update!

So, for those of you that don't know, I moved on January 1st. To a new apartment in a new town with some friends. I was living in a camper with no heat or hot water. As much as I enjoyed not being homeless, some days it felt like I was anyways. But now, I have an amazing living situation with amazing people who are really helping me learn how to be independent and take care of myself.

I miss my friends, and I miss Dave, but this is going to be really good for me, and in turn, good for him. Hopefully while I'm here learning to take care of myself, he can do the same where he is. When we put it together, we can actually be two functioning adults, wouldn't that be something?

Something I Found

This picture pretty perfectly explains a lot of why I haven't been posting much lately. Sorry guys, I'm sure I'll have a lot to post over the next two weeks.